Confessions Part I

21 01 2014

It’s 4.37am in the morning and the only reason that I got up is because my housemate closed the main door with a loud bang, which reminds me that I should absolutely upgrade my room doors when I have some extra change to spare. It has been almost 2 years since I posted a new entry and well frankly speaking many things have happened in my life. I can’t say that I’m totally happy with it right now but I feel that I can do better to make things right. As I am soon to enter a new stage of my life (gonna hit the 30 mark approximately 10 months time), I can’t help but feel surprisingly calm about becoming a father (in a month’s time).

When I was 21, I once told a good friend of mine (still is as I blog) that I hated my surname, I hated the thought of getting married and I disliked having my own children. As I journeyed on almost a decade down the road, that same friend reminded me that I have totally embraced what I disliked. Strange but true. I would like to think that I’m great with socializing but very very terrible when it comes to maintaining a good and healthy relationship with my family, love ones and friends. Hence I fell out with quite a few important people in my life sometime last year. This is probably due to the tiresome feeling of wearing a mask all the time and sometimes, a lack of better judgement on my hind side.

I grew up in my early teens living in a lie and have probably lied even in recent times. Heck, I used to remember teaching my ex-colleagues to ‘lie with confidence’ in order to make a sales pitch, makes me wonder would I become the next Jordan Belfort if I did not have any shred of morals. But now that I think back, I lied to gain acceptance, for survival, to be envied and all the selfish excuses that one can probably think off. Long story short, I just want a better life I guess.

Writer’s block for now.

ps: Feeling a little weird after ‘confessing’.

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